Who is she?

I know someone who is a battleaxe, a self-described “boss bitch”. She spent years in broken relationships because she dated thugs, mercenaries, porn stars, no-brains-lotsa-guts guys with criminal records. At one point I said to her, “So your ideal man is Brock Samson from the Venture Brothers?” and she cracked up because it was true. She had to learn to soften up a little. As a result, she dated a soft artsy guy who was not a good match, and hilarity ensued. Then the pendulum swung back to center and she found her dude. Her dude turned out to be a small business owner, the classic executive personality, but with enough brains and character to prevent him from turning her life into a train wreck.

Now that I’ve told you this little story, guess what I’m gonna do next?

(a chorus of children shouts, “Pontificate!”)

There is a correspondence between who you are and how your life goes, and this correspondence is mediated by your behavior. You can’t see who someone is on the inside right away, because how they’re acting right this second is only correlated with how they’re feeling right this second. The patterns that realize the depths of a person’s character only become apparent after a long time. Moreover, these patterns are self-reinforcing. The results you get from your inward character tend to imprint that character even more deeply on you.

Relationships, especially romantic ones, are fun to analyze because they exemplify this principal so strongly.

My friend dated the same sort of guy over and over again, and this reflected something very deep in her personality. That’s one of those patterns that realizes the depths of her character. Her one-off with the soft artsy guy was a reflection of her going through a transitional phase. She only dated him for a short time because of how she felt for a short time. The second turning, where she dialed back the changes she had consciously made, showed her returning to who she basically was, but in an attenuated form that was ultimately more workable. She’s still the big bad boss bitch who dates the big swinging dick dudes, but she’s learned that she is also other things besides a boss bitch. Accordingly, she now gets to date dudes who are other things besides a swinging dick.

There are plenty of other examples, if you look around you. A depressed person of either gender will date people who are lower in intelligence, attractiveness, and status than themselves. A woman with a “caretaking” personality might end up dating a string of deadbeats. A misogynist who is convinced that every woman is an incorrigible bitch will end up with an incorrigible bitch. Said incorrigible bitch probably hates men too, and they proceed to reinforce each other’s negative beliefs about the opposite gender. We all tend to find what we’re looking for.

I’m not pulling these out of my pontifical ass-crack, by the way. I’ve seen all this in person. On that note, it’s time for me to be an egocentric doofus and make this about me.

I have a “type.” A woman who shows interest in me likely has:

1. A history of mild mental illness, institutionalization or self-harm. Or a disorder like Tourette syndrome or narcolepsy.

2. Academic interests, or was identified as gifted early on. Reads a lot.

3. Either in the financial pits, or just got her head above water recently. “It took me a while to get where I wanted to be.” Commonly from a working or lower-middle-class background.

4. Childhood trauma.

5. Bizarre (but very funny) sense of humor and a fascination with macabre or disturbing things.

6. A drinking habit. Past or present use of psychedelics.

7. They even look the same: dark brown hair, blue eyes, very pale. With a big ass.

I’m not going to waste any time navel gazing in this post about what this means about me. If you have half a brain, you can tell already.

What I can do is say something constructive: it would be awfully nice to meet someone with a history of bad decisions and bad mental health who is finally pulling themselves together. That would be just swell.